Daves Comments and quips

Apr. 8, 2018

For several weeks now Boston Medical Group has been advertising a new ED pill for men on 1010 WINS Radio. If you call a 1-800 number for a consultation they will give you a free sample and then, get this, "most men achieve results RIGHT THERE IN THE OFFICE!"

That raises (sorry) several questions and concerns in my mind. What do they mean by "results" and how are the "results" measured? Is it safe to drive home?

I am sure some of you have your own questions as well.

Mar. 15, 2018

The Winning Lottery Ticket.

I was at work in Bergenfield, and on this particular day, feeling depressed. One of my nurses came into my cubicle and said, "Dave, you need some cheering up. I bought some scratch-offs, why don't to take one for free."

As I slowly scratched the ticket, my eyes couldn't believe it for I had won $50,000! My mind was racing with thoughts of paying for my children's college loans and more.

I stood up and screamed, "I WON THE LOTTERY!"

I ran out of the office waving the ticket over my head. I thought I heard the nurse say "Wait," but in my joy ran to share it with everyone. I ran through the Bergenfield Borough Hall, into every office on all THREE floors (basement, ground level, and second floor) waving my ticket and screaming about my good luck (police, tax records, court, administration, building dept, fire, payroll).

Finally, I returned to my office, and I kid you not, lept onto the customer counter, and started dancing on it waving the ticket over my head. Then, I looked around the room, but it looked empty. I was able to see into the Health Inspector's cubicle and it looked liked he had his head on his desk. Everyone else was hiding.

I slowly lowered my ticket and said, "Please don't tell me this is a prank."

At that point the nurse came over from her office. She looked a little distraught. She said, "I am so sorry, I tried to stop you."

Has anyone out there ever gone from a feeling of complete elation to one of complete devastation in a matter of 3 seconds? That's how I felt as I slowly climbed down from the counter.

I keep this ticket on a wall. in my living room. It is a microcosm of life. It reminds us that if something is too good to be real, it is not real. Also, to remain humble in the face of good fortune. The End

Mar. 7, 2018

Dave’s Weekly Consumer Report:

Moisturizer: In the winter

I moisturize my whole body, usually with a Cocoa Butter/Shea based product. You usually end up smelling, let me think, like a cake.

Today I tried dollar store moisturizer. I chose something from China, “Happy Family Moisturizer” which will set you back about 99 cents for half a gallon. When it squirted out I thought, “this looks familiar..white, opaque, gelatinous.” It will COME to me.

Anyway, today I smell, I kid you not, just like a walking coconut. What is YOUR favorite full body moisturizer?

Dec. 22, 2017

The can’t sleep story. When I was married, we had a cat named Sunny. Anyone that knows me has to endure stupid songs I make up as well as popular songs I corrupt.

So, I used to sing Sunny the cat a song from back in the day called “Sunny”....here goes, “Sunny, yesterday my life was filled with pain, Sunny, you smiled at me and really eased my pain, you are my cat, and I am your man, don’t you know, that’s what I am, oh Sunny, you’re so true, I love you.”

RIP Sunny 

Dec. 9, 2017

I got a flat tire on skyline drive in Oakland. These new cars do not have a spare OR even a doughnut! The buzzards began arriving immediately. I will not go down without a fight!