Mar. 26, 2017

The Physical (The Short Version)

As I said, I needed a physical to wrestle for the Scarlet Knights at Rutgers. A doctor asked if I wouldn't mind volunteering to allow a student nurse to perform the physical as part of her curriculum.

First, I had to submit a urine specimen. The bathroom was on the other side of the lobby so I was observed walking in one direction with a clear container, and then back through the LOBBY with one filled with urine. Of course at that point I was compelled to stop, hold up my container, and do some improv. "Hi...I wasn't able to turn the water into wine so I did the NEXT best thing."

Nobody laughed. Then, this young nurse who I probably saw in the pub from time to time tells me to take off all of my clothes and sit on the examining table. She left the room and I was not clear. Do I get naked? Do I leave my underwear on? Anyway, I took the naked route but she didn't come back so I decided to watch courtyard volleyball.

When she returned I guess the sight of me completely naked by the window threw her off because she was completely flustered. Then, I just remember bits and pieces. A ridiculously long series of personal questions like "How many times a week do you have sex?"

Well, duh, "As often as I can," I replied which was usually once a semester when I didn't have a girlfriend.

Then came the part I will never forget, the checking of the pulse. "Dave, I need to check your pulse at three different locations."

That sounded innocuous enough. "First, I will check your wrist pulse...OK....wow, you have a very slow pulse...is 59 even possible?" (Ummm, wrestler: yes). Then, she checked an artery on my neck. Easy enough. Then she said to me, "OK, lay flat on your back, I need to check your FEMORAL artery."

I didn't know what that was, but when I layed flat on my back, her hand went straight to YOU KNOW WHERE. There was NO WAY I was going to pop one in front of a student nurse so I needed a plan. I blocked out reality and thought "JESUS CHRIST DYING ON THE CROSS...JESUS IS DYING...HELP ME GOD..."

She was fumbling and fumbling and I started to sweat..."MOTHER THERESA NAKED...HOW ABOUT THOSE YANKEES" but I started to feel a little, oh no, MOVEMENT.

The nurse starts stuttering, "I can't find your femoral artery, I KNOW it is around here SOMEWHERE!"

I truthfully can't remember anything after that but if she finally found it, good for HER.