May. 18, 2017

Let's Party Like Its 1979!

1979

I decided to have a house party. The cover of the invitations were going to feature a certain part of my anatomy.

The plan: sneak into a closed office on a weekend, use a photo copy machine, then run away with the completed copies. Sounded simple enough. Turns out that the copy machine was sitting five feet off the floor and that part of my body wasn't, ummm, magnificent enough at that moment to copy.

Then came several OTHER problems. I couldn't get myself several feet off the floor and straddle the machine with my pants on and there was no space to put my feet. Also, I couldn't close the cover of the machine on it, and worse, it still needed to be more impressive.

Suddenly I wondered, how much weight could the glass handle before it cracked? After using my imagination to make a suitable final product, I climbed onto a chair, then onto the machine, got it ON the glass, closed the cover and hit 50 (turnsd out that an 11-1/2 X 8 inch piece of paper was sufficient). No sooner did the last one pop out, I thought I heard a noise. In a flash I was dressed, sweating, bolted out of the office, out the back door into the parking.

A sickening realization overcame me, I had left all 50 copies IN THE MACHINE. Could the police later identify ME with the visual evidence? Did I leave my DNA on the glass? There was no choice, I had to go back into the building and retrieve the copies.

I am told that a friend of mine still has a copy.

~David Volpe