Mar. 22, 2017

The Nursing Instructor

When I was in nursing school, we had an instructor, Ms. Gordon, whom I felt was pretty naïve. She lived with a doctor and apparently, he did nothing to wisen her up. She claimed they were together romantically. I wasn’t so sure. I know I was young and dumb but she was just plain dumb.

We were sitting in class one day and she began talking about men in regards to the size of their penis. I laid my pen down and listened to her chatter away.

“If men have big feet and hands, they will have a large penis,” she stated as fact.

Who was I to argue, I had only been with one man.

Someone snickered and Ms. Gordon responded adamantly, “It’s almost impossible to have large hands and feet and be small down there. He would be ill proportioned.”

I thought to myself, Dr. Johnson must have a small pee-pee then. He was after all, a small man in stature.

Several weeks later, she was talking about men waking up in the morning 'aroused'. She sat twirling her hair and said, “You know why they do that don’t you?”

I raised my hand and answered, “Because they have to pee.”

“No, it’s because they have been having those wild dreams of a sexual nature,” she answered.

I slightly turned my head and looked out of the corner of my eye at my fellow classmate, Nancy Jones. Nancy let out a blurb of laughter and then composed herself. “Are you sure it isn’t because they have to pee,” I said again.

The teacher rolled her eyes and laughed a little. “Yes, I’m sure, Michelle. I live with a doctor and we laugh about his crazy dreams all the time.”

Surely, she must be joking, I thought. “So when my little brother was six months old and he would get little woodies whenever he had to pee, are you saying he was just really having dreams of porking the little 4 month old cutie next door?”

She rolled her eyes a second time. I glanced at Nancy again who, while smiling and a slight shake of her head, put her finger to her lips and motioned for me to not say anything else.

The next morning I pounced on my husband who groaned and said, “Stop, I have to pee!”

“That’s not what I hear,” I said laughing and then explained what my nursing instructor had said.

Not long after, she was talking again about things she apparently knew nothing about. She had my undivided attention. This time, Ms. Gordon was talking about condoms. She said, “In order for a condom to be effective, it has to have holes in it.”

Without looking at Nancy, I blurted out, “What!”

Startled, she turned to me and said, “Think, Michelle, how else is the fluid supposed to drain out? The condom acts as a net and catches the sperm while draining away the secretions that keep the sperm alive.”

“You can’t be serious,” I insisted.

“Now this, I know something about,” she said shaking her finger at me. “I bought a box of them the one night and we (her and Dr. Johnson) couldn’t use them because every one of them was intact without holes so we cannot have sex until I took the box back to the pharmacy and got a new one.”

From my right, Nancy asked, “Why not just use a needle and pop holes in them?”

Was I mistaken or did Nancy sound like she was about to start laughing?

“I didn’t think about that,” Ms. Gordon said in deep thought. “Dr. Johnson told me to take them back and just explain to the pharmacist they were defective and to get a new box.”

“How old are you,” I asked my instructor unexpectedly.

She looked at me strangely and answered, “I’m 36, why?”

“Tell the truth,” I said sitting up straight, “Have you ever had sex before?”

Nancy laughed so hard. She stood up and waved her hand at me, “Stop, please.” To the teacher she said, “I need to go to the bathroom; I have to pee.”

While we were out in the break area I asked Nancy “Was she serious? Is she really that stupid?”

Nancy just laughed. Finally, she pulled herself together and said, “You know she and Dr. Johnson split up, don’t you?” After confirming I didn’t, Nancy explained, “Dr. Johnson is really good friends with my neighbors and he told them he told her he was relocating and moving out of town. He didn’t think she should come with him.”

“Where did he move to?” I was intrigued.

“To Hemingway, about thirty miles away,” she laughed and headed toward the classroom. “He told my neighbors he had to get away from her.”

“Can you blame him?” I muttered as I took my seat.

After that, I only paid attention to her if she were discussing nursing because that she was very good at. Anytime she talked about men or relationships, I totally ignored her.