Jibs & Jabs of a Cranky Old Hag

Feb. 15, 2019
Valentines 20 years ago VS Valentines 2019.
Daughter: (whine) Mom! We don't want to go to dinner with you and Daddy for Valentine's Day. It's supposed to be just the two of you (stomps her foot).
Me: But we love you guys and want to share it with you.
Daughter: You're supposed to do things ALONE with Daddy,
Me: We did already. How do you think you got here?
 
Valentines 2019
Me: Do you need us to babysit tonight so you and hubby can go out and do something?
Daughter: No, that's okay ... We're going to take her with us.
Me: But, we don't mind keeping her. Besides, you're supposed to go do something with each other; alone, just the two of you.
Daughter: We did already. How do you think she got here?
Asshole!
Feb. 12, 2019

The memes are real! This really happened:
The other day, I was talking to my daughter on the phone and we pulled up into the yard. 

I looked around as everyone was getting out and I couldn't find my phone so, I got worried. I kept saying, "Where's my phone? It was right here a minute ago: it was RIGHT HERE!" 

I hear my daughter's voice calling me, "Mom! ... Mom!" 

"What?" I answered. "I'm trying to find my phone so I can go into the house."

With a weary tone she said, "Mom, you're on your phone."
I could LITERALLY hear her rolling her eyes at me.
Asshole!

Jan. 30, 2019

I’m sitting at my desk when I glance across the way and see a little black rat of some kind in my neighbor’s grass by the street. What caught my eye was that he had moved around a little.

I sat up straighter in my chair to watch him and noticed he was moving closer toward me. He was trying to cross the street into our yard. However, he didn’t look much like a rat after all.

Since my vision sucks, I moved my head a little back and forth in a weaving motion trying to get a better focus on him so I could make out what kind of critter it was. When he stopped moving, I sat back in my chair only to see him dart off back to the neighbor’s grass.

I got up and slowly crept to the door. I was hoping he didn’t see any of my movements and get startled and run away. My curiosity was so piqued. I wanted to see what it was.

Hubby asked what I was doing, so I whispered it to him (in case the animal across the street heard me talking about him). He got up to look, too.

Remember me saying my vision sucked? Well it turns out it was a mud pellet on my door that I was bobbing and weaving my head at in order to focus more. I need to clean my front door.

Hubby can’t stop laughing.

Asshole!

Jan. 7, 2019

I had a good day today. I spent the day with my friend, Irene. We were at a flea market and I had to use the bathroom. When I came back I told her, "Never again. I've seen cleaner bathrooms in a crack house!" 

A lady standing close by looked at the two of us and Irene said, "Hey, don't look at me. I don't know anything about what she does in those crack houses on the weekend."
Asshole!

Jan. 7, 2019
JUST IN:
I asked my son to post a note in the mailbox to let the mail person know to pick up packages at the door. The first time he did it for me, no one picked any up because he didn't put the flag up so they didn't stop. 
 
Me explaining to him: Son, you have to put the flag up to let them know to stop and pick up the mail.

Him: Okay...whatever.
 
Today (three days later), I thought he was clear on the whole raising-of-the-flag issue and asked him again to put a note in there to let them know there are packages at the door. Otherwise, they will just put the flag down and move on. 

We had gotten home late last night, and likewise, three nights ago and didn't have time to set up mail pick up. This is my other option: to just let them know to come to the door and get the packages.

I looked out the window and saw the flag was down. I made him come back home from his friend's house (he's in my car so yeah, I can do that) and told him to put the flag up and again, I explained it to him. 

Me: You HAVE to put the flag up to let them know to stop and pick up mail. 

Him: Then WHY are you putting a note in there to tell them? 

Me: How else are they going to know to pick them up at the door if I don't put a note in there?

Him: Exactly! They will see the note and come to the door, so why bother putting the flag up?

Me (He didn't get his smarts from MY SIDE of the family - that's all I'm saying about that): How are they going to know to even stop so they can read the note and know to come to the door?
 
(Dumbfounded expression) 

Me again: Well? How do we get the postman to STOP in order to read the note?
 
Him --> goes outside and puts the flag up. 
Asshole!