Jibs & Jabs of a Cranky Old Hag

May. 20, 2019
Many years ago, my nephew Keith Wagner looked at my FB page. He was amazed that I had 24 friends.
Him: You're real popular on FB Aunt Michelle.
Me: Really?
Him: No. You have 24 friends. No one likes you.
Asshole!
May. 3, 2019

I suffer from bouts of insomnia at times. One particular night, I decided I was going to get a good night’s rest and took a couple of sleep gummies. They’re filled with Melatonin (Melan); an enzyme our bodies create that help with sleep. In my defense, the directions do say 1-2 gummies at bedtime. I took two.

I fell asleep on the couch and at some point in the middle of the night, I heard my husband standing over me and saying something.

“Are you okay?” I heard him ask.

In my Melatonin induced haze, I was thinking, “Ugh, why is he waking me up! He knows I have problems sleeping and I finally get into a good sleep and now he wants to ask me questions!”

“Do you need help?” he continued, “Wake up!”

“What is he talking about?”

He comes closer. “Are you hurt?”

“Why would I be...oh hell! I’m on the floor!”

I woke up face down on the floor with my hands (palms down) on either side of my head. I was so groggy; I had to struggle to sit up. I finally get into a sitting position on the floor, as my husband is hunched over behind me and looking over my shoulder into my face.

With great relief he says, “Holy hell, I thought you were dead!”

I’m still hazy as I struggle to turn and look at him. “What?”

“I thought you were dead!” he reiterates. “I was walking over to lock the front door when I saw you just turn and roll off the couch like a log and then you went ‘WHAM!’ and hit the floor with a thud, but then I saw you move so I knew you were, at least, alive.”

I start pulling myself up and back onto the couch, which is a task and a half. I’m thinking to myself, “Did I WHAM so hard because of my big ass that I am now having trouble picking up off the floor; and why didn’t I even know I fell off the...”

As I lift said big ass off the floor and have it high in the air, I hear my husband behind me giggling. “I’m sorry! I know it’s not funny, but I keep thinking about how hard you hit the floor. You just rolled like a log and then didn’t even move. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to laugh!” (giggles more).

“It’s not funny,” I scolded in distress, still heaving the dorsal part of my body up onto the couch. “Okay, it’s a little funny, but right now it isn’t.”
Asshole!

Mar. 26, 2019

We were driving down this street and I'm cleaning my (defective) glasses and see a little doggy pooping in someone's yard...maybe his own, IDK. 

I asked my hubby, "What breed is that dog? I don't recognize it."

Hubby said, "What dog?" 

"That one over there taking a crap in the yard," I said. As we got closer to the pup, I was pointing with one hand and putting my glasses on with the other. "Never mind, I see it now." 

"Well what it is?" he asked as he's now scanning the area looking for the dog.

I sigh heavily and say, "The fire hydrant: I saw the fire hydrant and thought it was a dog pooping in someone's yard." 

Two blocks later, hubby points to a fire hydrant and says, "Look! There's another one of those new breeds of dogs you saw a few blocks over. They're everywhere!" 

We are currently not speaking to each other. 

Feb. 15, 2019
Valentines 20 years ago VS Valentines 2019.
Daughter: (whine) Mom! We don't want to go to dinner with you and Daddy for Valentine's Day. It's supposed to be just the two of you (stomps her foot).
Me: But we love you guys and want to share it with you.
Daughter: You're supposed to do things ALONE with Daddy,
Me: We did already. How do you think you got here?
 
Valentines 2019
Me: Do you need us to babysit tonight so you and hubby can go out and do something?
Daughter: No, that's okay ... We're going to take her with us.
Me: But, we don't mind keeping her. Besides, you're supposed to go do something with each other; alone, just the two of you.
Daughter: We did already. How do you think she got here?
Asshole!
Feb. 12, 2019

The memes are real! This really happened:
The other day, I was talking to my daughter on the phone and we pulled up into the yard. 

I looked around as everyone was getting out and I couldn't find my phone so, I got worried. I kept saying, "Where's my phone? It was right here a minute ago: it was RIGHT HERE!" 

I hear my daughter's voice calling me, "Mom! ... Mom!" 

"What?" I answered. "I'm trying to find my phone so I can go into the house."

With a weary tone she said, "Mom, you're on your phone."
I could LITERALLY hear her rolling her eyes at me.
Asshole!