Jibs & Jabs of a Cranky Old Hag

Dec. 5, 2019

Christmas lights

My son and I were getting ready to go hang some Christmas lights in town so, I went to get dressed while he waited.

I came out of the bedroom dressed and this is the conversation just before leaving.

Him: Mom, why are you wearing pants with a dress?

Me: They’re leggings, not pants.

Him: So?

Me: We’re going to hang lights on Front Street: would you rather I just wore a shirt instead of a dress that covered all my rolls, wrinkles, and pockets of cellulite?

Him (blink, blink): You look good, Mom. Let’s go

LOL – I guess that shut him up.

Oct. 19, 2019

My husband and I had lunch at Olive's Tavern. Before leaving I used the ladies' room. I came out and walked all through the restaurant, past a table full of sheriff deputies, and out to the car.

We went to Wal-worsts afterwards to pick up his medicines and something for dinner. I got out of the car and started walking...

It felt drafty so I tugged at my dress and it felt fine. As I'm crossing the pedestrian crossing, a lady hollars out her window, "Ma'am, you need to pull your dress down in the back."

I felt on the other side (where I did not feel the draft) and my dress was tucked into my granny panties with half my ass hanging out. What a day!

Oct. 18, 2019

I think my dogs sense there's something wrong today. They keep following me around everywhere I go as I wander from room to room.

My fat little beagle, Charlie, is bouncing next to me. He looks like a miniature Winnebago with a tail as he jumps and bounces up and down trying to make me feel better. When I sit down, Bianca, the blue healer, will lay her head on my lap as if to say "it will be all right."

My blood sugar is in the 80's and I know I have to eat, but I absolutely have no appetite. I do need to eat so I've tried a few things. I tried some ragoons, I fixed two of them and choked down half of one and gave the rest to the dogs.

I still have some (stove top popped) popcorn left from my hurricane snacks that I didn't eat. I ate a kernel and tossed the dogs a handful. They finished that and followed me back into the kitchen.

Cottage Cheese -- eww
Oatmeal -- eww
Left over baked chicken from dinner that I didn't finish -- nope

I tried a sugar-free wafer, but didn't want that either. I took one bite and gave the rest to the dogs. They're so cute...wait, they're following me around because I have food!

Assholes!

Jul. 9, 2019

 


I recently offered to sign one of my books for a friend. She gladly accepted, but in doing so, she instructed me to not write anything off color.

“Why would I do that?” I asked feeling a little surprised at the footnote.

“I don’t know, just making sure,” she answered.

Shaking my head as I signed, I said, “Well, I wouldn’t do that. You never know when a child is going to pick it up and see it and I know you have two little ones at home.”

There’s a time for adult humor. Being around children or exposing them to adult humor is not the place or time. I thought about that all day long. It kind of hurt my feelings that she felt the need to tell me this. I thought she knew me better. I admit that I have a warped sense of humor, however, I know when to be "adult," and when not.

It reminded me of my daughter’s bridal shower. A friend of ours asked if she could do it at her house, for which I was grateful. When it came time to open gifts, the hostess took mine out of my daughter’s hands.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, noting her to put the gifts I had brought on her kitchen counter and away from the gifts everyone else had brought.

“She can open yours in private,” she said laughing. “I know you, and I don’t want her opening anything inappropriate in front of everyone.”

“If you know me, then you know I would not bring an ‘inappropriate gift’ to her bridal shower,” I insisted. “Give them back to her.”

The hostess was hesitant, but I think she could tell I was mad. “Okay,” she conceded, “but if there’s anything suggestive or sexual in here, I’m going to be really upset.”

The same thing happened at work when we threw a baby shower for one of our nurses. They all thought I was going to bring some skimpy negligee or a sex toy (to a baby shower!) One of the CNA’s brought a cake that was in the shape of a penis, but I was the one accused of being potentially inappropriate. Why?

Although, I do give my daughter gifts like negligees, thongs, things of that nature, I do not give them in front of people.

When I really think about it, it doesn’t just hurt my feelings, but it really offends me. I have more class than that. I have decided that these people who think they know me so well, apparently, do not really know me at all.

Jun. 15, 2019

I was telling my husband that Bob Seger & the Silver Bullet Band is doing a final tour and how I'd love to go see them in concert. They were a big name from our youth.
"The tickets are going to cost a small fortune," he exclaimed.
"Yeah, I know and can I show him my ta-ta's?
Hubby rolled his eyes and said, "Only if I don't have to pick them up off the floor to hold them up for him to see."
Asshole!