Stories Related to Marriage

Oct. 13, 2019

One of the children that my own children have grown up with was getting married, Brandon Woodward. He’s married a cute little lady, April Cook. They look adorable together and I was so excited for them both.

We went into the store to pick out a gift. Here’s our conversation:

Me: I need to go to housewares.

Hubby: Why do we need to go over there?’

Me: To get a gift for Brandon and April.

Hubby: Why?

Me: Seriously? They’re getting married next weekend. I want to get them something. You don’t go to a wedding without a gift. That’s very inappropriate.

We start in that direction and my son, who has been trailing behind us, he noticed we were going toward housewares. You can’t get nothing past him.

Son: Why are we coming over here?

Me: To get a gift for Brandon and April.

Son: Why?

Me: (sigh) Because they’re getting married and I want to get a gift for them.

Son: Are you going to the wedding?

Me: Yes, I plan on it.

As we get closer to where I want to be, I turn down an isle and head in the general direction of housewares to the item I have in mind (crock pots).

Hubby: Where are you going?

Me: What!?

Hubby: Why are you going down there?

Me: Did you just seriously ask me WHY I was going down here? Don’t make me stab you in the chest with a pound of bacon Mister because I swear, I will do it!

Hubby: I’m asking because what you’re looking for is over in the other isle. This is bathroom necessities.

Next Episode: “Saved From Being Stabbed to Death with a Pound of Bacon.”

Dec. 2, 2018

 

Years ago, when my husband worked for the cable company, he worked with a group of young men whose wives were a little too insecure for my tastes. I remember one co-worker, Frankie. I felt the sorriest for him.

As a rule, the installers and technicians had an on-call rotation, meaning they carried a pager for a week at a time. Whenever Frankie had to take call, I always knew when he had to work late or had to go back out to work. His wife, Lisa, would call me to check up on her husband.

With as casual a tone as she could muster, Lisa would say, “Hi Michelle, this is Frankie’s wife. Is Reese out working tonight?”

Maybe because my husband was Frankie’s supervisor Lisa thought if Frankie had to work, Reese was right alongside of him which was rarely the case. Sometimes, just to save Frankie, I would tell her he was.

When Amber Rose, a porn star with big boobs came to Mother Fletcher’s in Myrtle Beach, the men went wild. For $15 dollars (that was a lot of money back then) one could have their picture taken with her. My husband came home and told me what was going on. All the men were scheming and making plans.

“They wanted to know if I would go,” he said of the event.

“Are you going?” I asked.

“I’m not sure, but if I do go, they all want to go, too.” He was laughing about his co-worker’s plans. “They asked if we went and their wives called, would you tell them that we all had to work late.”

I agreed that I would. “However, if Lisa ever finds out Frankie went, she’ll never trust my word again and he would be in so much trouble,” I said, reminding my husband of what she was like.

In the end, he didn’t go and all the men were so mad. They had the plan and just needed my husband to execute it. I truly would not have been upset and even gave him money before he left for work that day so he could have his picture taken with the porn star. Instead of going, though, he came home.

I asked why he didn’t go and he explained, “Because if we all went and their wives ever found out, it would have looked bad on us. I just felt that if they wanted to go that bad, they could go together without me or they could just tell their wives the truth.”

And that is the kind of man I married.

Jan. 24, 2018

I have no idea why my husband asks me the same question so many times over, but I sometimes lose patience with it. I’ve told him countless times that it doesn’t matter how many ways he rephrases the question, the answer is still the same. He doesn’t listen. Does any husband ever listen to their wife?

We were in the grocery store one afternoon and there was a sale going on that if you bought one package of chicken, you could get the second one free – a buy-one get-one free.

As I turned down an aisle, I asked him to grab two grilled chicken packs. He came to me a few seconds later and asked, “Are you sure you want that brand?”

“Yes,” I answered and explained the sale to him.

He walked away but came back empty handed. “Are you sure you want both to be grilled chicken, they have chicken tenders and breaded chicken too.”

“Did you want something besides grilled?” I asked in return as he would be the one eating it, not me.

He nodded. “Yeah, I don’t want to get the same kind.”

“Then pick another kind that you want,” I offered. “Just make sure one package is grilled chicken in case I decide to eat one.”

He came back. “Which one do you want besides grilled?”

“Reese, I just told you to pick something!”

“I’m not sure what to get.”

I shook my head in exasperation. “It’s chicken! It’s not a life altering decision!” I was so frustrated that I told him, “If you’re going to make me pick, get the breaded ones and the grilled chicken.”

He left and came back empty handed again. “Are you sure you want breaded ones instead of chicken tenders?”

I rolled my eyes and walked away. When we got home and were putting away the groceries I noticed the chicken packages were missing. I started going through the bags looking.

“What are you looking for?” he asked noting my scavenger hunt.

“The chicken that you were supposed to get.”

He literally scoffed at me and said, “I asked you what kind did you want and you didn’t answer me so I put it back.”

I couldn’t believe. I had answered him over and over, even suggesting he pick something … anything to appease him and he had the audacity to say I didn’t answer him so he didn’t get the chicken.

Believe me when I say, I was ready to throttle him with a chicken. My nephew, who was with us, was laughing hysterically, but I was not amused.

(sigh) … A typical day in the Cranky household.  

Jan. 11, 2018

We had an episode that whenever I would go into one of our bathrooms it would smell like a sanitized gas station public restroom. The scent was very strong and it seemed to permeate the entire room and hallway.

I finally found the source. It was conveniently and invisibly tucked away inside the toilet bowl. It was one of those air fresheners that public restrooms often use.

My initial thought was Holy cat boxes! I do not want to know what came out of that man’s butt that he thought he had to go to such extremes to hide the odor.

(Sigh)

Marriage: It’s more than a job, it’s an adventure. 

Mar. 23, 2017

WE WERE all sitting in the living room and I say to my son, "I was going to make some chili tonight but I forgot to get the chili beans yesterday, will you go get some?"

He responds, "We still have to do pictures for eBay, too."

So I turn to my husband and say, "He's right. Can you go get the chili beans instead and then I can get dinner going?"

He agrees and changes clothes to go to the store. He comes back out and says, "What kind of beans do you want?"

I'm scratching my head thinking, wasn't he in here next to us when this conversation took place?No matter. I answer, "Chili beans, just get 3 cans of Mild flavored beans."

He said, "Why do you want chili beans?"

Okay, that was it for me - I left the room.