Mar. 23, 2017

Online Misadventures by Doc Sam

Online Misadventures 

by Doc Sam

 

The first woman I met on-line was in 1991--before there were gifs and jpegs. It was right after my separation from a wife of 19 years. So, i was pretty lonely and had no idea what she looked like. We had several very nice conversations and were an hour's drive apart. When she got out of the car, it was immediately clear to me that I would be obliged to decline intimate behavior.

We went to a bar called "The Jungle Room," and like the statement above, I thought that drinking myself into oblivion might help. The barmaid was an utterly beautiful jungle nymph in a "Tarzan's Jane" costume with a bra and loincloth made out of vines and rope. She had long auburn hair that brushed over my arm as she brought my drinks. She was obviously in a relationship with the bartender who looked extremely large, possessive, and pugnacious.

So there I was, with a companion who made Roseanne Barr look attractive, being served Jack Daniels by a perfect woman whom I had utterly no chance of approaching without a serious beating (and almost certain rejection), and that was as close to hell as i had ever been.

The only thing I could do was drink more bourbon. I guess my blood alcohol level reached a new high. I had never been a crying drunk before. Maybe it was the combination of things but I began to cry like a baby.

Sympathetically, she said, "I can see you're not ready for this." A wretch, I shook my head, and she kindly took my leave.