Mar. 28, 2017

My Sister-in-Law's Panties

Yellow Granny Panties


My brother, Keith, and his wife, Jonnie, used to have their own business making crafts and would travel around the state doing craft shows selling their things, like something you’d see at a mall or a festival. They’d set up a booth and work it for the weekend.

There was this very nice looking man who, through his own crafts, would travel in the same circles as Jonnie and Keith. I remember one time, we were all at a craft show and Jon and I had slipped out for a while. We had just gotten back and were sitting in their van when hunka-hunka-love-man had come up and tapped on the window. We were eating Oreo Cookies and Jonnie had just crammed her mouth full of them when he knocked on the window. She swallowed fast to clear her mouth as she rolled down the window to speak to him. She wasn’t about to miss this opportunity.

She sat talking and smiling to him through the whole fifteen minute conversation. I didn’t think anything of it. When they finished talking, she rolled up the window and checked herself in the rear-view mirror. It was then Jonnie realized all of her teeth were blacked out by the cookies. She snaps at me, “Why didn’t you tell me my teeth were black with Oreo’s?”

“You ate the cookies. I thought you knew,” I retorted in my defense.

“I didn’t think my teeth were blacked out though,” she exclaimed in frustration.

She was already feeling an overwhelming sense of shyness talking to this man only to discover she’d been doing it with Oreo teeth. Jonnie has always been self-conscious about certain things so now, knowing she was talking to him with Oreo’s everywhere, she was really feeling out of sorts. She just needed the milk mustache to make it complete. We can laugh about that day now but if memory serves, I was the only one who laughed about it then.

Years later when my brother, Keith, and his wife, Jonnie came to visit us in South Carolina, I had another experience with Jon that I was the only one laughing about. Before leaving Jonnie insisted we take them to the beach. She wanted her children to experience the Atlantic Ocean. Long story short; she got what she asked for.

My niece, Bobbie Dee, was walking then so I’d have to guess she was about a year or two old. Ticker, my nephew was five or six. I still call him Mic-Tick even though now, he’s grown. He used to call me Mic-shell when he was a little boy so, I’ve always called him Mic-Tick.

As I’ve mentioned in an earlier story, my sister-in-law Jonnie could say the “F” word and still sound ladylike about it. Although she’s conservative at best and frequently forces herself to be more out-going than she secretly feels, Jonnie is still a very strong willed woman.

My husband and I warned them before arriving at the beach, “There’s a storm coming so the waters are going to be very harsh. There will be a strong undertow so whatever you do, do not let the kids play in the water unattended.”

As I said, they were still small children. I remember being worried they would not heed our warning seriously enough.

We set up the lounge chairs and my husband and brother headed off to my right. Jonnie decides to walk along the beach and leaves the children digging in the sand. I’m sitting in the chair watching them. I refuse to take my eyes off them for a second.

Mic-Tick, noticing his mom is going off without him, starts off in her direction. I call him back, “Mic-Tick, stay with me. Your mom will be back in a minute.”

“I’m going to go walk with my Mom,” he insists.

Bobbie toddles after them. I let her go knowing she wants to be with her mom and brother versus me, someone she’s unfamiliar with as she doesn‘t live near me. I see Jonnie talking to the kids so I know she is aware of their presence.

I turn my head to the right to see my husband and brother about waist high in the water fighting off the waves and undertow. I keep focus on them as they work their way back toward shore. When they are about butt deep I glance back to my sister-in-law and the kids.

The kids have gotten into the water and the undertow is taking them off. Jonnie is grabbing at them and yelling, which I can only assume was, “Help! Help!” because the roar of the ocean was so loud and she was far enough away I couldn’t hear her. I could see signs of distress though.

I moved to get up when I see she’s managed to grab both of the kids, Ticker by the arm, Bobbie by the leg and hanging her upside down. Jonnie is still in the water about shin deep and fighting off the waves and undertow but she’s dragging the children safely onto the shore.

All of a sudden a big wave slams into her, almost knocking her off her feet. The wave splashes and throws her dress up over her head. The explosion of the Atlantic exposes her bright yellow granny panties. They were so bright, a helicopter flying overhead would have thought it was an SOS from a shipwreck.

By this time, my husband had made it out of the water and ran down the beach to her. He helped Jonnie finish fishing everyone out of the ocean. All I could do was sit back down in the chair and laugh. I laughed so hard at my overly shy sister-in-law flashing the beach her underwear. The situation wasn’t funny, I know, but the thought of her doing something so uncharacteristic was. I just couldn’t stop laughing.

However, I sober up as Jonnie storms up to me. I realize she’s angry so I’m trying to keep a straight face. She screams at me, “Didn’t you see me out there?”

I could only nod my head affirmatively because, yes, I did see her out there flashing her panties to everyone. Now I’m laughing again.

My brother Keith gets out of the water. He runs up to us, concern showing on his face, and he says, “What happened?”

I regain my self-control once more as both of them stand over me while I remain seated; Jonnie on one side of me, Keith on the other. Jonnie is still yelling and says, “Did you see me?”

“Yes,” Keith answers, towel in hand. “What happened out there?”

“The kids got caught up in the undertow and I was trying to grab them. Your sister sat here watching us and didn’t help!”

“Why didn’t you help?” He asked, looking down at me.

Before I could say anything, Jonnie answered for me, “She was too busy laughing to help! Why didn’t you help? I was scared to death,” she says to Keith. “I wasn’t about to let go of one of the kids. I was afraid they‘d be carried out to sea!”

“That’s why I got out of the water,” he answers helplessly, “to help. I knew something was very wrong when my conservative wife is out here flashing everyone her bright yellow underwear!”

That was all it took. I’ve been laughing ever since. Even when I tell the story years later, I laugh until I have tears streaming down my face; just like now.