Jokes & Stories from the Internet
Old Age is a gift
I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I’ve always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggyeyes, and the sagging butt. Often, I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, or my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.
I don't chide myselff or eating that extra cookie, for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
Ihave seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with ageing.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60s & 70s, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love... I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just aswell forgotten. I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a love done, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's
beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed and so many have died before their hair could turn silver
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been or worrying about what will be and I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign hanging in the entrance, which says “FREE BEER FOR WHOEVER CAN PASS THE TEST!”
So, the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The bartender replies, “Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila – the whole thing at once – and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth… you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there’s a woman upstairs who’s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.”
The guy says, “Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.” But, as time passes and the man drinks a few, he asks, “Wherez zat teqeelah?”
He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and downs it with big slurps, tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped, and big scratches all over his body. “Now,” he groans, “where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
-Contributed by Chester Shannon
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter: "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee......
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter:
The waiter says "Whoa! We're still
cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave shit for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day."
Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see You anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much You love us.”
And God said, “I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And
it was a good animal and God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”
And God said, “Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.”
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”
And God said, “I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”
And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And Cat . . . he didn't give a shit one way or the other.