Jokes & Stories from the Internet

Sep. 5, 2019

Rich took his wife Susan to the state fair every year, and every time she would say to him, "Rich, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter."

Rich would always reply, "I know that Susan, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

One year, they went to the fair, and Susan put her foot down and said to Rich, "Rich, you know I’m 87 years old now. If I don’t ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance."

Once again Rich replied, "Susan, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple's conversation and said, "Listen folks, I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say just one word, it's 50 dollars."

Rich and Susan agreed and up they went in the helicopter.

The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Rich or Susan. The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still there wasn’t so much as one word said.

When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Susan and said, "Wow! I've got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn’t. I'm really impressed!"

Susan replied, "Well to be honest, I almost said something when Rich fell out, but you know 50 dollars is 50 dollars!"

Dec. 10, 2018

Old Age is a gift

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I’ve always wanted to be. Oh, not my 
body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggyeyes, and the sagging butt. Often, I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, or my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself and less 
critical of myself. I've become my own friend.

I don't chide myself
f or eating that extra cookie, for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I
have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with ageing.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with 
myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60s & 70s, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just aswell forgotten. I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a love done, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed and so many have died before their hair could turn silver

As you get 
older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, 
but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been or worrying about what will be and I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).

Mar. 14, 2018

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign hanging in the entrance, which says “FREE BEER FOR WHOEVER CAN PASS THE TEST!”

So, the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The bartender replies, “Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila – the whole thing at once – and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth… you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there’s a woman upstairs who’s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.”

The guy says, “Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.” But, as time passes and the man drinks a few, he asks, “Wherez zat teqeelah?”

He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and downs it with big slurps, tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped, and big scratches all over his body. “Now,” he groans, “where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”

Dec. 10, 2017

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

-Contributed by Chester Shannon

Oct. 17, 2017

Want Coffee: 
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun 
in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. 
He says to the waiter: "Want coffee." 
The waiter says, "Sure. Coming right up." 

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee...... 
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, 
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, 
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
and then just walks out. 

The next morning the Indian returns. 
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling 
another male buffalo with the other. 
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: 
"Want coffee." 

The waiter says "Whoa! We're still 
cleaning up your mess from yesterday. 
What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and 
proudly says,

"Training for position in United States Congress: 
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, 
leave shit for others to clean up, 
disappear for rest of day."