Jokes & Stories from the Internet

Mar. 25, 2017

When women have to visit a public bathroom, we usually find a line of other women. Like the others, we just smile politely and take our place. Once it’s our turn, we check for feet under every stall and every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and we dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The modern seat cover dispenser is handy, but empty which, no doubt, was probably invented by someone’s mother. You hang your purse on the door hook, if there is one, but there isn’t - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the floor!). You yank down your pants and assume “the stance.” In this position your aging, toneless (God I should have gone to the gym!) thigh muscles begin to shake.

You’d love to sit down, but you certainly had not taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold “the stance,” so, to take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, “Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have known there was no toilet paper!” Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that’s still in your purse (the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold it up so it doesn’t strangle you at the same time). That will have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Just as you attempt to use it, someone pushes the stall door open because the latch doesn’t work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

“Occupied,” you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue into a puddle on the floor. You lose your footing altogether and slide down directly onto the toilet seat and it is wet, of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it’s too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and lifeform on the uncovered seat because you never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you’re certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, “You just don’t know what kind of diseases you could get.”
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a firehose against the inside of the bowl. The fine mist of water that floats in the air from the forceful stream covers your butt and runs down your legs into your shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this point, you give up. You’re soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors so you wash your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe (where was that when you needed it?). Yanking the paper from your shoe, you plunk it in the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, “Here, you just might need this.”

As you exit, you spot your husband, who has long since entered, used, and left the men’s restroom. Annoyed, he asks, “What took you so long and why is your purse hanging around your neck?”

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest? You’ve GOT to be kidding!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It’s so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door!

Mar. 25, 2017

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...” When they get try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.

3. If they say they are Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name, ask them to spell the company name, and then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: “Hang on a second.” (few second pause) “Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?”

5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, “Judy! Is this really you? Oh, my gosh! Judy, how have you BEEN?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out from where the hell she could know you.

6. Say, “No,” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they’re trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as you can muster, “I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?”

8. If they clean rugs, ask “Can you get blood out? You can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood.”

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional, “Uh- huh, really,” or “That’s fascinating.” Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn’t give your credit card number to someone that’s a complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they do. Example: Telemarketer: “This is Bill from Watertronics.”
You: “Watertronics! Hey I work for them, too. Where are you calling from?”
Telemarketer: “Uh, Dallas, Texas.”
You: “Great, they have a group there, too? How’s business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.”

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, “Oh, my goodness!” and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allow to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. (This is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers)

Mar. 25, 2017

What Movies Have Taught Us

1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.

2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.

3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.

4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.

5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.

6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

7) One man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at one man if he is the hero.

8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.

9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.

10) The entire British population lives in London.

11) It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.

12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.

13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
-Unknown Author

Mar. 25, 2017

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Very Impressive!

We took some friends to a new restaurant, "Steve's Place," and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

"Well, the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes," he explained. "After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you havethat string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom, as well. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."

I asked quietly, "After you get it out, how do you put it back in your trousers?'"

Just as quietly he answers, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Mar. 25, 2017

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.


"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy."

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me."

He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"


The man refused, however, when the boy insisted, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.