Jokes & Stories from the Internet

Oct. 17, 2017

Want Coffee: 
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun 
in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. 
He says to the waiter: "Want coffee." 
The waiter says, "Sure. Coming right up." 

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee...... 
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, 
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, 
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
and then just walks out. 

The next morning the Indian returns. 
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling 
another male buffalo with the other. 
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: 
"Want coffee." 

The waiter says "Whoa! We're still 
cleaning up your mess from yesterday. 
What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and 
proudly says,

"Training for position in United States Congress: 
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, 
leave shit for others to clean up, 
disappear for rest of day."

Mar. 25, 2017

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see You anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much You love us.”

And God said, “I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal and God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.” 

And God said, “Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.” 

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. 

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.” 

And God said, “I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.” 

And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. 

And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And Cat . . . he didn't give a shit one way or the other.

Unknown Author

Mar. 25, 2017

When women have to visit a public bathroom, we usually find a line of other women. Like the others, we just smile politely and take our place. Once it’s our turn, we check for feet under every stall and every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and we dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The modern seat cover dispenser is handy, but empty which, no doubt, was probably invented by someone’s mother. You hang your purse on the door hook, if there is one, but there isn’t - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the floor!). You yank down your pants and assume “the stance.” In this position your aging, toneless (God I should have gone to the gym!) thigh muscles begin to shake.

You’d love to sit down, but you certainly had not taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold “the stance,” so, to take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, “Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have known there was no toilet paper!” Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that’s still in your purse (the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold it up so it doesn’t strangle you at the same time). That will have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Just as you attempt to use it, someone pushes the stall door open because the latch doesn’t work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

“Occupied,” you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue into a puddle on the floor. You lose your footing altogether and slide down directly onto the toilet seat and it is wet, of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it’s too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and lifeform on the uncovered seat because you never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you’re certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, “You just don’t know what kind of diseases you could get.”
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a firehose against the inside of the bowl. The fine mist of water that floats in the air from the forceful stream covers your butt and runs down your legs into your shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this point, you give up. You’re soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors so you wash your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe (where was that when you needed it?). Yanking the paper from your shoe, you plunk it in the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, “Here, you just might need this.”

As you exit, you spot your husband, who has long since entered, used, and left the men’s restroom. Annoyed, he asks, “What took you so long and why is your purse hanging around your neck?”

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest? You’ve GOT to be kidding!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It’s so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door!

Mar. 25, 2017

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...” When they get try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.

3. If they say they are Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name, ask them to spell the company name, and then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: “Hang on a second.” (few second pause) “Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?”

5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, “Judy! Is this really you? Oh, my gosh! Judy, how have you BEEN?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out from where the hell she could know you.

6. Say, “No,” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they’re trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as you can muster, “I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?”

8. If they clean rugs, ask “Can you get blood out? You can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood.”

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional, “Uh- huh, really,” or “That’s fascinating.” Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn’t give your credit card number to someone that’s a complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they do. Example: Telemarketer: “This is Bill from Watertronics.”
You: “Watertronics! Hey I work for them, too. Where are you calling from?”
Telemarketer: “Uh, Dallas, Texas.”
You: “Great, they have a group there, too? How’s business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.”

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, “Oh, my goodness!” and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allow to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. (This is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers)

Mar. 25, 2017

What Movies Have Taught Us

1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.

2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.

3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.

4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.

5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.

6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

7) One man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at one man if he is the hero.

8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.

9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.

10) The entire British population lives in London.

11) It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.

12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.

13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
-Unknown Author