Daves Comments and quips
(1982) - One of my many crushes was a champion collegiate swimmer named Tracy. I was invited to stay at the family house one summer in Nantucket. They got to fly there in their private plane, I was gifted the right to drive.
You see, Nantucket is an island and it costs money to ferry your car over but there is a pay lot on the mainland. Tracy's brother said, "I know the owner of the gas station near the pay lot, park there for free."
Nantucket is a nice place to visit, but can get a little pricey. Tracy and I bicycled around and I had fun exploring the fields filled with poison ivy, ticks, holly, and sticker bushes. My only adventure was getting mistaken for a local at a club one night by at least TWO different people.
"Hey Jimbo, where the F have you been lately?" Jimbo seemed like a trouble maker and these were bikers so I got out of there fast.
What else, I tried making clam chowder from scratch with no recipe and no knowledge of how to make clam chowder. It was incredibly bad! The point to this whole story is, Tracy was one of a hundred women who I would be in the friend zone forever because I have NO courage to "make a move," even when moves are presented.
This keeps me out of trouble, even to this day lol. And so, I arrived back at my car only to find the hood smashed in by the gas station people who couldn't fathom why someone would park their car on private property.
Shallow Dave – After my divorce I tried a number of venues to get back into the dating scene; bars, AOL Chatrooms, newspaper personals, etc. (never tried a pay dating service). There were at least three dates that stand out from the rest, the first of which I will call Shallow Dave.
I met a woman in an AOL chatroom that wanted to get together. She asked for a recent photo of myself so I sent it. When I asked for one in return, she declined making various excuses.
Later on in life I was to find out that people often lie about their age, their appearance, their occupation, and more. We agreed to meet for a drink on a Friday night at a bar in Garfield, NJ. I was supposed to pick her up at 8PM. At that time, I had custody of my children every other weekend so my “free” weekends were important to get things done I couldn’t do otherwise.
Finding the apartment was not too much of a problem and there I was, at the door, getting ready to ring the bell. Now I must digress a moment. I do not consider myself to be a “Shallow Hal.” This modern “body image/body shaming” movement is close to my heart having two daughters myself.
That said, I rang the bell. From a muffled distance inside I heard a low guttural sound. Slowly it grew louder, and I could make out, “I’m coming.” When the door opened, I kid you not, was a woman with a walker. You see my friends; this woman was obese. A person in the medical field would call her “morbidly obese,” as in she was 5’6”, over 300 pounds.
She spoke first, “Now that you see what I look like, are you still going to take me out?”
I replied without hesitation, “I promised you a drink and will keep my promise!” At this stage of my life, I might not have been so kind.
As we walked toward the parking lot she asked if we were going to go in my car, or separate cars. Well, separate cars sounded like a better plan to me. She asked me to follow her because much to my surprise, she wanted to pick her up girlfriend. Yes, my night might be saved after all!
When we got to her girlfriend’s house, I couldn’t believe my eyes. There was another woman, not much smaller than my date, waiting for us. What were the odds? We finally got to the bar, and as we entered, we were greeted to a chorus of her friends who were already there.
This is where the story begins, because you see, she belonged to a, what are the right words, “Obesity Club, Heffer Society,” and I was the prize she was going to show off to her friends.
So, I fulfilled my promise, bought her a drink, and a short time later a band started to set up. By band I mean a middle-aged man and woman who were going to sing to canned music.
I said to the herd, “I’m off to the men’s room” and was actually thinking a lesser man would bolt.
Suddenly one of the ladies actually said, “Are you planning on jumping out the window?”
It was not too much longer until the “band” started singing disco music badly. My date looked at me saying, “Well, SOMEBODY better ask me to dance or I don’t know what I am going to do!”
That was it, I snapped. A man can only take so much. I stood up, exclaimed “That’s it,” and BOLTED.
On the way home I stopped for a drink at “The Hungry Peddler” in Cresskill. I was telling the story of my night to a bartender who was laughing so hard he was tearing up. The End
I was just out for my sunset walk and heard a hammering sound like broken glass coming from behind a truck accompanied by a voice...”Yeah, yeah, you like THAT? I’ll show you! Go ahead, make my day!”
I had no choice but to sneak around the truck and observe my elderly neighbor slamming a plastic soda bottle against a cinder block to break up the frozen soda, pour it out the small opening, so he could recycle it.
He never saw me. I walked away to the sound of, “Who’s your daddy? I’ll show YOU the meaning of discipline!”
The question asked of me today on FB, what was the grossest food you ever ate? This was my true answer: Ok, France on my Honeymoon..cold, drizzling, terrorist bombs exploding, and “The Dinner.”
I asked the waiter, “Do you speak English?”
he said, "NO."
I pride myself on eating anything so I randomly picked a dinner. Something that looked like a giant sausage appeared and it looked bad, and reeked a little.
Remember that scene from Star Wars when Han Solo cuts open the TonTon to keep Luke warm? I cut into this thing and the odor was overwhelming, like DOODY.
Then, I asked the waiter, I kid you not, “ People EAT THIS HERE? (My diplomatic skills were weak)."
I bravely took a mouthful and swallowed: It tasted as bad as it smelled. Later, I found out it was “Stuffed Intestine,” which, I guess, is a sausage?
TRUE STORY TIME!
I was at a presentation on Lyme Disease directed to a large group of health officials and pest control operator's. It was held at a beautiful conference room in a hotel.
A representative from Dow Chemical who manufactured a tick pesticide was presenting. The man was young, extremely nervous, and started to stutter minutes into his presentation. Finally, when he lost his train of thought, the FUN began.
"Now, Lyme disease is transmitted by...by...uhhhh, infected DICKS. What? What did I say, I meant TICKS. So sorry, oh my God. Ok, uhhh, now, you find infected dicks, TICKS, in the BUSH."
At that point the entire audience was completely in hysterics. There is actually a part 2 to this story, for another time.